nearly, very nearly
today, i nearly lost it.
lost what? you ask? i really can't tell. just that i knew i was just there, on the edge.

i have no idea why. this whole week had dipped me lower and lower till friday. i tried, god, i tried, but for once, just this once, after so many months, i felt realy really hopeless, in the face of it all.

this was a really really lonely week for me. just when i thought that i had it licked, it turned around and licked me big, 1 big sloppy one.
it is today that i questioned myself, whether i was really happy when people seen me, or was it all just a mask. i really really don't know the answer to that.

A long time friend asked me out for dinner. he was someone whom i could depend on and used to meet often enough, once a upon a time. but i could not bring myelf to meet him today. i guess i did not want to bring him down with my mood.
my colleague was pretty frustrated with work today and she came to complain to me about it. i listened to her. after that, she said that i was a good listener and that she was grateful. when did i become a listener and not a talker? i have no idea...

i never have this problem, at least for the last 3 months, but like i said this had been a trying week. i was just walking along back to work when i saw this couple in front of me. just a normal young couple, pretty much in love. they were walking and holding hands.
suddenly, i began to think of what it was like to hold hands; to have a warm body to cuddle up to; to have a nice person to hug; to have the person you love... to love.
there was just this longing... but another part of me, well another part of me, just feels so detached.

i don't know what i am evolving into and i don't know if i like this evolution.
i need some assurance that i am all right. thats how bad it has become, that i need others to give me assurance about myself.
laughable... but i can't laugh.

sorry if i can't help you much because i think i have my own set of problems. that problem is me.