control freak

i just realised that i must be one of those control freaks, out of control. i am not able to control my own life and what do i do? i go and control other people's life.

i have my own opinions of things are others have their own. i have my way of leaving my life and others have their own. i have my own way of eating my ice cream and my own preference of flavours - double scoop of chocolate, thank you very much - and others have their own.

sometimes, i try too hard. sometimes, i do not give a damn. why do i never take the middle path, i have no idea. maybe if i had taken the middle path, things would have been very different in my life. i would probably not play so much and would probably have done much better at my studies. or maybe i should have just stuck with the hell-with-world kind of attitude and went on to do what ever makes me happy? or how about the lets worry about the everyone and everything so let me take everything slowly and hope that i never a mistake?

to say that i have no idea what i am doing or that i have no control over my actions has got to be a big fat lie. i mean is it possible that you have no idea or no control over what you do, sans when you are drunk?

hmmmm... i'm one confused person as you would have noticed. to say that i have chose to remain confused, is something which i cannot accept because how do you choose to be confuse? or is that possible?

army life must be getting to my head.

something about uniforms

there has got to be something special about uniforms.
i just noticed that incredible difference that come over everyday people when they put on a uniform. just like today, it was raining, not heavily, but on a normal working day, everyone would be bring out their brolly. but the amazing transformation that an army uniform makes. all of us were suddenly fearless of the 'dagger-like' rain drops falling from the sky. we were immune to them. puddles of water are nothing to us, as we do not even hesitate to land our boots right in the deepest and muddiest of waters. remember now, without our super hero army costume, we are but mere mortals, who need to walk around puddles and carry huge umbrellas for fear of getting wet...

now, as for women in uniform... oooohhhhh, now thats another topic for another day, ain't it? but i must stress that women in the army no.4 uniform... a big mistake.

extreme sports

how much can a heart take? how extreme can it go?


this period has been extremely trying for me. the emotional extremes that i go to have been unbelieveable. Sometimes, i just wonder how far else i can go.
from extreme happiness, for a close friend, to extreme grief. how is that possible?

there are now no more reasons of any sort for us to meet. what has happened has happened and today marks the day when every link between us is now officially cut. and yes, it does cuts like a knife.
3 times. 3 times over and you would have expected things to be better for you. afterall, practise makes perfect, ain't it? you should have been immune to the hurt now, shouldn't you? but alas, 3 times, don't mean third time lucky. 3 times, and it still hurts as the first 2.
the first was hard.
the second was tough and i really thought that i would have been done in by it. afterall, i have never let myself give anything less than 100%.
the third, seemed to have harden me in a way i don't like. i have turned into someone or even something i cannot imagine i would become.


back then, i knew that she was still paying back her school loan. i helped her return the remaining sum. afterall, we were suppose to be together, and her liability would become mine. that was the excuse i used. truth is, i love her too much and i could not bare to see her slog over money. today, she wrote me a cheque for half the sum. i told her to take it back. she refused. just when she got out the car, for the last time, i told her not to bother to send me any money since i will will not bank in any of it. she closed the door, and walked toward the mrt station. i could not bare to look at her and i sped off.
it was not a nice thing to say, but what else can i do? i have become something i hate and i have to live with it from now on. good excuse huh? everyone else need not have to live with me, they have a choice to walk away. i can never walk away from myself.


my head aches right now. i feel a sudden coldness over my heart, not unlike the way i felt last year, on my birthday. it is something which chills my whole body and wake my mind up, telling it that another sad chapter, that is my life, has ended.

of weddings and the 7 seas

what can I say, I am mightily proud that of the ROM I will be attending tomorrow. Maybe the only time I will be prouder still will be when I attend my own, but I digress.

I am really happy for what will be a very happy day for a couple. 1 of them, I do not know really well, but I think that will change with time to come. Another is someone whom I have known for 8 years? I think that’s about right.
Someone whom I have learnt lots from. Someone who has seen me at highest point and who was also beside me at my lowest.

I’m not sure but I am probably right to say that he likes the sea a lot. Probably why it is so appropriate that the solemnization ceremony will be carried out near the sea. It should be a beautiful experience.

So many significant dates in just such a short time.

Hitting the beach

it is days like these that makes one long for the sun and the beach.

i remembered once a upon a time, when i went to beach with me love then. we were armed with a bag of premium chocolates and a couple of books and we headed towards the beach at east coast. it was a weekday and we had both taken leave. we sat at one of those stone table facing the sea and we lazed the day afternoon away, eating chocolates and reading our books. the breeze was good, i could still remember


just less than a year ago, i went down to sentosa beach with my love then. same thing, we took leave and just spent the day swimming and sunbathing, enjoying the sun and the sea. it was another happy moment.


well then, you can never please a singaporean, can you? sunny and he complains about the heat. rainy and he longs for the rain. what gives?


the office becomes mightily cold on days like these. i do hope that it does not rain later this evening since i am all ready to go jogging. hey, don’t laugh, i am pretty serious about going jogging. i may not have been doing it consistently but i think i am getting there. i just need to get a good routine going and i’m on my way. you’ll see…
*fingers crossed*

weekend

how was your weekend? was it eventful?
i know mine was. added another item to my wedding 'everything also can do except be the groom' portfolio. i was the master of ceremony for a colleague's, the bride, wedding.

i only knew the groom a few weeks ago but i believe that he will become a good husband. just listening to his speech and you know that he is a simple yet sincere person. there were some lines which i remembered well...

"when you do or say something wrong, admit it. when you are right, keep quiet."thats for all us guys out there.

"i read somewhere, that you should never marry someone you can live with. you should marry someone you cannot live without." first time i ever heard anyone publicly saying this.

"thank all those who helped, esp the master of ceremony who looked absolutely handsome tonight but not the best looking, since I am the best." funny chap.

"i want to thank my wife for helping me through many things. i feel extremely lucky to be able to marry you." another colleague was telling me that she was very impressed because this was one of the first time that she heard a groom thanking the bride. i was too.

I smiled a little when i heard the 2nd statment. it was something which i had heard from a friend before and it was something i really believed in. whether we can ever achieve that, thats another idea all together now, isn't it?


what would you think if you realised that you are interested in a woman/man that has been spoken for? in other words a person who is already attached? a friend asked me this. to me, it is ok. no, i don't subscribe to what others say or what others think is right or wrong. only 1 thing matters and thats what my heart tells me. right or wrong? its not right since the other person already have another. its not right to break up someone. but we do follow our hearts.

and even so, i told my friend to just remain a friend. do what you can and want to do but remain a friend. our hearts may tell us what we want and should do, but our minds will always tell us to think a little. maybe in the near future, things might turn out differently.


i just found out about this little pizza place off bukit timah. its at balmoral plaza tucked away in one little corner. it was quite crowded even on a sunday evening, people dinning in and taking away. i'm sure you will like it. the pizza is quite good, wood baked in the oven or something like that. the large size for 18 dollars, good for sharing between 2 with a side of calamari. the sauce that comes with the calamari is really good. I know that they have branches in holland v too. have not tried that but i think i will, one of these days.
nice, cosy and away from the crowd.


"come up to meet you
tell you i'm sorry,
you don know how lovely you are...
i have to find you,
tell you i need you..."
- the scientist
coldpay

infectious happiness
i had a terrible day yesterday, that is until last night.

yesterday was really bad, tired and lots of work. i will not talk about it then, but things did get much better at night when i met up with 2 of my old friends.

we met up for dinner and to look at the wedding photos of one of them. we were all present at the dinner of course.
sidenote: it was only after looking at the pictures that i realised how many pretty women they were that night. damn...

anyway, i digress.
there we were laughing and teasing each other until people in the restaurant were turning their heads to look at us, wondering what was going on. but of course, we did not care. it was really fun to be catching up again. it was not that long since we last met, but it was always good to meet up with them.

the mood has obviously carried over since last night.
i am still pretty hyper and happy today. i like that feeling. the power of happiness.

hey! maybe you should it, being happy. you might just like it too!

the 80s are all but a memories...

"...Forever young
I want to be forever young.
do you really want to live forever, forever young..."

who remembers the above lyrics?
can you recall who sang it?


it feels good to be listening to some 'oldies' ain't it? i can remember a time when oldies were suppose to be songs from the 60s and 70s. now there are from the 80s...


are they all but a memory?
just like lots that have happened in our past. they are all but memories. from time to time, we bring out these songs to be heard once again, from time to time, we dig out these memories for us to reminiscent the happy times and the sad times. they were good, ain't they? be it nice nice times or bad times.


there once was a rebel of a boy who bought a ring for a girl. the girl's boyfriend had cheated on her and hurt her. she left him and the boy was there for her. the boy was a good friend and he loved the girl.
after months, he had bought a ring for her and wanted to tell her how much he loved her. but then the girl heard that her boyfriend was hospitalised. apparantly, his other girlfriend left him. she went to visit him, once. once became twice, became three times, and the next thing, she was there everyday. and so the girl was back in the arms of another.
the boy stood now at the breakwater with the ring. the impluse to fling the ring into the water was overwhelming, ala in the movies, but that was not his style. he kept the ring. it will go into the box, where he kept a lot of the other stuff. for memory sake, so that he can dig them out once in a while, and feel good all over again.

no, thats not me. this is a concise version of the ending of one of my fave book. anyway, i can see some similarities in that, a few worlds of mine colliding.
well now... i just love to remember my book, though i don't have it now. where are my books anyway? damn...

etc etc etc...


lots have happened over the weekend but i have no idea what to put down.

got dead drunk and swore never to touch tequila... again.
ate lots of seafood, not as cheap as i thought it would be, but really really fresh!
got in some sun though i could do with more.
was zombie after the long night of drinking.

ah... batam.

i must say that the hangover, though mild, was made worse after the 1 hour boat trip back. I never really had a problem with being on the seas, but yesterday was really bad. the rolling and the pitching got to me, though i did not puke.

i remembered a time when i did sailing. i was always looking forward to choppy seas and strong winds since it was really fun to sail in those conditions, even though it was fairly dangerous. nothing beats sailing just before a storm hits because thats when the winds are strong and the rain is still not here yet.

a friend who used to sail once said,"strong winds build character." pertaining to sailing but metaphorically to lots of things in life, i guess.

time out
chocolate?


i once tried to make my own chocolate fondue. i melted cadbury chocolate in over a bbq fire. the whole thing lasted for 15 mins, because that was how long everyone enjoyed it. after that, the melted chocolate either became too hard, if you did not kept it warm or it became burnt because it was kept over the fire for too long. oh well...
at least it was good while it lasted.
i wonder if it would be the same, if i used the hershey's chocolate syrup and warm it up a little. you think it would be too sweet?

my colleagues always like to say this," you know that the person has been eating too much sweet stuff when you see ants appearing after he urines!"
well, i never...

emails...

the age of technology baffles me some times.
right now, we can send out a mail and it gets answered in mere minutes. we sure have come a long way since the pony express days huh?

back then, you probably risk getting an arrow through your cowboy hat, trying to outrun those red indians. now, you are more liable to get a virus via the mail, which would at most put your PC at risk.


when was the last time you wrote a letter, a snail mail?
hmmm... do those even exist nowadays? i should think so, since the post office is still in business. i guess i only contribute during the christmas season. oh, which remind me, christmas is around the corner huh? aaahhhh...

of rings and ugly humans alike

i was suppose to finish 'angels and demons' when i was on my trip up to penang. the night before, i decided that i would continue on my request for the ring instead, thus i brought along my lord of the ring 3-in-1 book. no bad, half way through the book liao and i am hooked on it. it is actually quite an interesting book to read, once you get pass the first 100 pages.
hobbits and ents, elves and dwarves, humans and orcs.


ugly humans can come in my shape and sizes and they do not have to look ugly, just disgusting in behaviour.
i encountered 1 of this kind today, 1 of my colleagues. I shall spare you the details but lets say that it infuriated me enought to ask him to fuck off, followed by a long list of hokkien 'greeting'.
suddenly, he looked like an orc to me...

blame and solace
"paging mr. david tao, mr.david tao..."
these days, i find solace in david tao. his music and songs just takes me to another place...


i take all the blame, oh, do blame me.
I can't believe it, but i seemed to be a walking disease. an infectious one at that!
the people around me are just walking into unhappiness and issues like nobody's business. must be me...

a close colleague's guy is over oveseas, working. everyone is excited for her because they have been together for 7 years now and we are expecting him to propose when he gets back. then she called me and told me that the guy called her and told her that she was spending too much time with her friends. (seems like the fact that he was not in s'pore to spend time with her did not occur to him!) also, he was afraid that she would not make a good wife and mother because she valued friendship more than family. needless to say, she feel terrible now.
i'm sure you know what i can rant and rave about and how i can really put someone down when i want to. but for today, i shall refrain. you do not need me to spell it all out to know how i feel, right?
phudu...

Perfect woman for the perfect man
100% love. i thought there was a mandarin movie entitled that, right?
oh, sorry, it was 100% feeling or something of that kind.

anyway, is there a 100% perfect woman for the 100%perfect man? is there such thing as a 100% woman and a 100% man? (i can declare that i am 100% man lah! but that is another story all together) how about 100% love?

Did you watch the movie 'remember the titans'? bear with me here...
well, basically, it was about this college american football team, the first to have both blacks and whites playing side by side. Not only that, they also went through the whole season, 13 games, without losing a single game. no one gave them any chance at all to win even 1 game, since they were suppose to be a disjointed team. whites playing with blacks!
my point? there was this part in the movie, when they were playing their last game, the championship game, and the team was trailing in the scores. in the dressing room, the coach was telling his boys that it was ok and that even if they lost, he would be proud of them, since they came so close to having a perfect season.
it was at this point the captain of the team stood up and said,' none of us here, as individuals, is perfect. but we have made it so far without losing a game and that makes this team a perfect team. and i am not about to lose that.' well, something to that effect. of course, they went on to win.

after all that blabbing...
i guess there just ain't a 100% perfect woman for the 100% perfect man. but you know that you got a good thing going if 2 less that 100% person come together and they make a 100% couple with a 100% love.

nice read
ok, i got to know Haruki Murakami thru a friend. thank you!
did not know what came over me so i started to search for some of his works on the net and i found quite a few.

read one of his short stories and i found this really entertaining. take a read...
http://ctina.com/bakeryattack.html


its friday, all dressed up and no where to go?
hmmm... can't be. you can always go there, or maybe to. hey how about here, no? then how about over to, for a good time and a drink? no? ... tough crowd.