dates
today and tomorrow, is now just abt 10 minutes away. just a few ticks of the clock and the movements of a couple of tiny hands on a face with numbers.

what do today and tomorrow have in common?
calendar dates, just numbers for us to count down to the end of the year, where we can then have a wild party.

63 years ago today, the man i love most was brought into this world. 63 years later, though he is no longer around with me, i still remember him.

27 years ago tomorrow, the woman who will have a place in a small corner of my heart was born. though we cannot be together, i still wish her well and that things will get better for her as the years go by.

dates, just numbers, but so significant that there are burnt into our minds.

dates, just numbers, counting down till the end of our days.

happy birthday dad.
happy birthday ser.

quirks and idiosyncrasies
what i like to say

• "cool!" - though that sounds so "happy days" time, doesn't it?
• "hey you!" - something i got from my ex and it just stuck
• "phudu" - i used this in my hay days but not so much now. it started because i used it to replace the word fuck.
• "your best is always good enough" - though many might argue against that. agassi said that this was what his coach always told him, when he was making his speech after winning Wimbledon
• "frankly speaking" - well, frank has not really been speaking much this days, but you can bet that he would be making a comeback sometime.

rantings and ravings redux!
thanx for all your comments.
couple of things...

sometimes, a tiny drop - which we think nothing of - will cause ripples that get bigger. sometimes, a decision that is deemed to not make seismic waves, may just turn out to be that drop.

courage... ah courage... thats what i lack.


boys and girls, i realised this and i hope that you do too.
I realised that all these rantings and ravings were only meant for 1 person and to remind 1 person only. me...

ironic isn't it? i try my best to help those around me and yet i am so powerless for help myself. but then again, maybe i do not need help at all. or do i?


but nevermind, what i do know is to not take myself so seriously. thus if i were you, i would not take me so seriously either. why? because, why would you take a ranting and raving person seriously, anyway? unless of course, he speaks his mind and heart... and in doing so, he speaks your mind and heart.

another wedding today, and i just cannot describe how i felt. i look around and the thoughts of ,"hey this is a great place, nice atmosphere, good service ...hey wait a minute, i don't need this. oh well."

shit happens
ok, don be too misled by the title of this post.
nothing too much happened, though i just got back last night from me short trip up to Penang.
let me first say that the food there is excellent. it is true. the hawker food, from the char kauy teow to the chendol is just heavenly. needless to say, i was out there eating from dusk till dawn, well at least from i woke till i sleep. did went out pubbing with me friend and so woke up late on the 2nd day.

thank you very much also, sat, for the hospitality shown to me by both you and your relatives. they had this huge lunch going on and i was invited. so there i was, gouging down rice with great curry chicken, assam fish and sotong, eggs together with me rice and not forgetting the fried chicken. and this was just an hour after i had my char kuay teow and chendol! the bbq fish is nice and cheap! 8 ringgit for a fish for 2. come now, where to find in s'pore?
thanx for the food trip...


since we are on trips, i was thinking about it when i was on my way back down.
i realised that i never did have a good trip with me loved one at all.
of course, the trips i had with me guys were always good. from the beaches of redang to the mountains of switzerlands down to the beer gardens in germany, they were great trips. but the only trip i had to bali ended with a broken engagement and plenty of heartaches.
with one, we had wanted to go plenty of places but it was a pity bali ended like so.
and before that, with another, it would not happen either, since her parents would never allow her to travel, much less with me.
so i guess i'm still waiting. but whether it really happened, well, its ok, because hey, at least in my mind, i know that it will be great. if it never happened, then i guess i would have the perfect vacation in my mind... no real life to ruin it.



i'm definitely not going to make many friends with this next section but as a friend, i guess i have to do my part, no matter how nasty it is.

there comes a time when we cannot just think of ourselves. we should and need to think about those around us, family, loved ones and friends (to a less extend i guess).
i remember a time when i was doing what i wanted because i was being myself. i did not care what others think about me. i think that that is fine, but i do realise that as the years passed, things start to be different.
i now have to think twice or even thrice before i do anything which might concern my family, esp my mum. now that she is alone and only have 2 of us brothers providing for her, i need to consider her. it is my social and moral responsibilty.

by all means, if work is fucked up, and you feel like staying in bed rather than go to work, then please, change. all i am saying is that consider all factors. if everything is covered, then i say go for it. do it, quick before you change your mind and then end up having to slog for another 2 years.
if your love life is screwed up, then i say consider all factors. are you able to live and face this person for the next 10 years? if you can, then i say, do it. Time and tide awaits now man. if we are sorry for making a friend wait for 15 mins because we are late, then what if someone makes you wait for 1 year? hmmm...
finally, do we let ourselves wallow and watch ourselves in the mirror fade away? so, shit happens and like i always say, it happens all the time. I am a prefect example. damn, i have cried my tears, i have cracked my head over hard decisions, endured a death of one of my closest family, went through heartaches and then heartbreaks... coming so close and yet so far away...

i am neither stronger or better than any of you. but - just a small little but - maybe i might have gone through certain matters you have not. you will definitely have gone through some i have not experienced. why not pool our resources?

i say, if the boss is giving you hell, then to hell with him.
i say, if the man is not trustworthy, then tell him so and the next time you say you will do something, do it. we are all good enough for someone out there, or maybe none at all. but at the end of the day, we need to ask ourselves, do we want to be happy? if you want to be, then i'm sure you know what will make you happy and what does not. so why are we still stuck in our ways of doing things or be on the receiving end of stuff which does not make us happy?
50 50 choice. what i want and what i should do...

personally, if the work is hindering my well being. i will walk away from it. alas there is responsibilties to others, but if that is covered, then i will walk away. do one thing at a time, and do the 'now' thing.
love to me is all important. but forcing love would be a sin because it just means that one or both party are not happy. so walking away is the best situation. i did not worry about whether i would be able to find another love or not. i just did the 'now' thingy.
do you see the similarity? we are all stuck doing something we are not happy with. i tried my best, damn i tried, but to no avail. i quit. then we all start over again. sure i had to pick up the pieces, but lets face, if you could have choosen the easy way and just hang in there. Hey, then don't quit. you can just get stuck in your job, which you hate, or a relationship which has no love in it and one which is going nowhere. then at least, you will not have to worry about responsibilities, or picking up the pieces. all we need to endure is a little bit of stick from the boss everyday making me miserable, or maybe the occasional let down from the one and only person i love, or how abt the 'i see no future but i do love you' thingy and i will try to live with it ... for now.

boys and girls, after all the ranting and ravings, i do hope you know what i am getting at, because i sure don't.
i hope and pray you be happy. after looking at an unhappy face every morning in the mirror, it would do wonders if i can see some happy faces on my friends.

northward bound
behave now, boys and girls, while i make my way northward. going up to the northern regions of our friendly neighbours for a good time. eating and drinking, sleeping and relaxing... i hope.

take good care of yourselves now...

not me?
i just finished an email from a friend.
in it, there was something which invoked some sort of thoughts in me and i was half way through my reply to her. then i stopped, paused and then deleted the reply. i had decided not to reply her because i knew that whatever i was going to say, would probably be right but more importantly it would sadden her.

she was not going to be any worse off if she did not know my reply, so i guess that was good enough. my thoughts were going to make things worse - even though true - so why do it?

once upon a time, i would have send off that reply faster than you could say microsoft exchange, but i guess this was once upon a time no more...

summary

m: so where do we go from here?

s: i feel that it is best that we end it all here.

m: isn't there anything you have to say?

s: what do you expect me to say? do you want me to ask you to wait for me? 1 year, 2 year, 3 year? i don't know and it is not fair for me to ask you to wait for me when i don't even know. or would you rather i pretend that all this did not happen and i just forced myself to go ahead?

m: i don't want you to pretend anything. if thats how you feel, thats how you feel. why pretend?


i guess we both loved each other but she was not ready. she did not and could not live with me waiting when she herself did not know when she would be ready. in addition to trying to be ready, the fact that i would be waiting would add on to the pressure.

it was the best for both of us. in a way, it was good that she knew what she wanted and i knew what i could accept. sometimes, the bet ways may not be pretty but they are still the best.

JC mates?
when the bride's friend asked her whether we were JC mate, she looked at me, thought about it and replied with a smile,"we were, for 5 days."
yep, that was how long we were together in JC before she left to study in another. that was more than a decades ago and we are still good old friends. i was her mc at her wedding last night. Both su, eng and i had spent the jc orientation together, that was all. but we kep in contact after that and the rest was history.

from the initial orientation games till the present where i have mc and coordinated at both their weddings. we have come a long way.

the long chat we had after the dinner was over was good. it was as if we had never gone more than 1 week without seeing each other. the fact was that, it was more like 6 months in between before we meet again. still, we had remained good friends. for them, i am grateful.

Ordinary day
just an ordinary day today.
not much special happening and it does seemed like the rain is going to continue. thats probably a good thing, since we will then be getting some cool weather for a bit.


if things that are supposed to make you happy, happened and yet you don't feel happy at all, then could it mean that these things are just not the stuff that will make you happy?
i guess what we think would make us happy and what actually makes us feel happy is 2 different thing now, isn't it?

hmmm... food for thought?

anticipation
i am living with anticipation right now. less than 2 hours to go before my third visit to the dentist. i still cannot believe that number of 'needles' she had used on me the last time. thank god for LA, and there was hardly any pain. I felt so hopeless sitting there in the dentist chair. the only dentist chair i know of that can be enjoyable, is the one at china jump.
burning another hole in my pocket.... sigh...

simple things
i'm better now, much much better. its amazing what a movie and a mtv can do to you, well, at least to me.
i saw dodgeball:a true unerdog story. its a ben stiller movie and its a goofball of a movie, but i liked it. funny movie, nice babe in there, who happens to be ben stiller's wife in real life.

then of course, i watched my mtv... again. and it made me laugh and smile. i'm satisfied now.

ok, i hope that i have not overhype the mtv, such that you would be disappointed when you actually sees it, but so far, 2 other colleagues have seen it and they liked it.

and hey, my first comments! cool... i'm excited! thank you!
i'll see what i can do to pass you the mtv!

tomorrow will be sunday and i believe, a start of a good week.

nearly, very nearly
today, i nearly lost it.
lost what? you ask? i really can't tell. just that i knew i was just there, on the edge.

i have no idea why. this whole week had dipped me lower and lower till friday. i tried, god, i tried, but for once, just this once, after so many months, i felt realy really hopeless, in the face of it all.

this was a really really lonely week for me. just when i thought that i had it licked, it turned around and licked me big, 1 big sloppy one.
it is today that i questioned myself, whether i was really happy when people seen me, or was it all just a mask. i really really don't know the answer to that.

A long time friend asked me out for dinner. he was someone whom i could depend on and used to meet often enough, once a upon a time. but i could not bring myelf to meet him today. i guess i did not want to bring him down with my mood.
my colleague was pretty frustrated with work today and she came to complain to me about it. i listened to her. after that, she said that i was a good listener and that she was grateful. when did i become a listener and not a talker? i have no idea...

i never have this problem, at least for the last 3 months, but like i said this had been a trying week. i was just walking along back to work when i saw this couple in front of me. just a normal young couple, pretty much in love. they were walking and holding hands.
suddenly, i began to think of what it was like to hold hands; to have a warm body to cuddle up to; to have a nice person to hug; to have the person you love... to love.
there was just this longing... but another part of me, well another part of me, just feels so detached.

i don't know what i am evolving into and i don't know if i like this evolution.
i need some assurance that i am all right. thats how bad it has become, that i need others to give me assurance about myself.
laughable... but i can't laugh.

sorry if i can't help you much because i think i have my own set of problems. that problem is me.

of clouds, moods and a friday...

as i was driving to work this morning, i noticed that the clouds formed were really really beautiful. seems to always happen on the day after a really havy rainpour, as it did yesterday. the formation was just beautiful and that is just a mild word.
i doubt there were be many stars and the moon to look at though, tonight, if the skies remain this cloudy.

its a friday. hope you at least knew that.

i'm feeling moody this day. i have not felt this way for sometime now. strange...

there was a lot that i wanted to put down today, but now that i am here, i just cannot seem to remember or even feel like writting them down. strange, really really strange.

i got it....
yep, i have found the mtv that i was raving abt in my earlier blogs.
managed to download it, all 70Mb of it, and i have already watched it a couple of times. each time, i laughed at all the funny scenes even though i already know what to expect.

i went to sleep with a smile after that...
then i started to think abt the what ifs ... and how we could be good together. then it started.
thank goodness i managed to fall asleep sooner rather than later and everything else was like a dream.

I woke this morning quite apprehensive. Till i saw the news, plainly stating 2-0.
And my day was off to a good start. these days, it does not take much to make me a happy person. i don expect a lot out of life but i do expect a lot out of myself and what i can give to life and others.

my life, in a blog
how many of you out there keeps up with my life just by reading my blog.
thats cool....

so now, my blog is the newspaper about my life.
maybe some years ago, i would have been rather adverse to this concept, but as time goes by and everyone having more and more on their plate, i can understand perfectly.
if i have a choice, i would prefer not to know you via any other means that from you yourself but like i said, with each passing day we have more on our minds and in our hands.

go on, ask me out. i have more free time than i would like these days. no doubt, on certain days, i would rather just be lazing around on my own.

its raining now. heavily.
is it raining where you are at now?

the little mind
as i lie awake last night, though i was trying my darnest to get to sleep, i was suddenly overcome by this feeling of loneliness.
it was a feeling of isolation and utter helplessness and a feeling of just me alone in my room was overwhelming. i guess its the thought of being alone and not the actual fact of it.


i am feeling a little bit crazy today.
don ask me why, just that i am feel crazy. not that i have done any crazy thing so far, well at least not yet, but still, i feel crazy. you know how that is?
no worries though. none of those hardcore crazy stuff. just a little bit crazy.

no? you have no idea what i am talking abt? well there... i told you i am feeling a little crazy today. if you had understood all those i have written, then that makes you a little crazy too. ain't that fun?

New look

how do you like the new look on my blog?
there are abt 30 templates to choose from and i, of course, chose the blue theme. i like blue.

well, the comments tab is working fine now and i am encouraging all of you out there to drop your comments. please, don shy lah.

i'm still cranky. i'm still here.
looks like its going to be a long long week. you going to stay with me throughout?
i thought so...

red bombs
well, chinese like to call them red bombs. that is when you receive a wedding invitation because this will mean that you have to give 'ang pao' or red packets, thus the term.

When, what do you know...
i have 4 weddings, consecutively over the next 4 weeks, starting next week. Just last week, I attended a wake. 4 weddings and a funeral?
At the same time, i will be having a root canal treatment done for my teeth. this all translate to lots of outflow of cash.


i must admit that i have been rather cranky today. i have been snapping at colleagues who obviously did no wrong. thats not too good.
well, i'll have to make for that.

4 words
go catch The Terminal...


my friend told me that i have indeed changed. indeed i have, but for better or for worse.
i personally would like to think that i have changed to suit the times, or at least my age. whether there is a good thing or not, thats not for me to say.
there would be adverse effects as well positive ones. i like to think that the good ones outweigh the bad.

i'm only human and i do have my bad days. i am perhaps lucky, as i grow older, because i have gotten used to these sort of emotions since younger. like i keep saying, give me a book and some music and i will survive the day. now that i am earning, movies are not beyond my reach. now that i am driving, distance is not an issue any more.


The Terminal.
A heart-warming film that is both reflective and objective. (if you can make out that last sentence please interpret it and tell me what i just wrote. I put it down because it sounded clever)
Anyway, it is funny and the whole movie is very well done, just like any Steven Spielberg shows. Looking forward to watching Man On Fire and Dodgeball.

I have been trying my darnest to do this blog...
Believe me, lots of things are happening at work which prevents me to do so. I think this will be 2 blogs in 1.

i have a new toy, which is one of the reason why I was delayed for this blog.
i am now typing this out on my new T42 laptop. Nice... they finally realised that my laptop was too old and they decided to change 1 for me. Nice... it has a dvd-rom cum cd-writer.... nice. sleek and it comes with all the whistles and frills.... nice....
Did i say that it was nice..........


The next is a little bit mush.... but its something that i have been thinking of putting down.
The methods of my love...
the first person i want to speak to in the morning, is you, and so i call you.
i love/miss you enough to let you know that throughout the day, via sms.
i respect you, thats why i tell you whats happening to me, or where i am going.
i care thats why i nag. i want to take the burden off you, thats why i ask.
i like to surprise you.
when you are down. i am down. when you are happy, i am joyful. thats what being soulmates is all about.
i try my best to make you happy and it pains me when i am not able to do so.
at the end of the day, you will be the last person i speak to before i go to bed.
sleep comes quickly because i can't wait to wake up so that i can speak to you again.

pls don be mistaken. i am writting this to no one in particular.
i just feel like put down my methods of my love. why?
no why really. many a times, we feel that we can just show our love.... but just like in the mtv i mentioned, there will be times, when the gal, even the guy, needs the assurance that she/he is being loved. what better way to give that assurance that via the miracle of speech.
tell the person... go on, just do it.

I have been wanting to put something on this blog over the last few days, but i was too caught up with work. Did not really have much time.

Now?
Well, the mood for that has passed but you can be sure that when it returns, you would be the first to read it, on this blog.

I went to the dentist and my worst fears have been realised. I would need to do a root canal treatment. What is that?
Well, let me try and tell you.
It involves drilling a hole in your decaying tooth. Then the dentist will proceed to use tiny files, sharp and long, to screw them into your tooth to try and remove any decaying stuff still stuck in your tooth canal. Of course, this would mean that the files get pretty near your nerves at the bottom of your tooth. So in order not to let you cry out in pain, you are first of all injected with anesthetic , and what fun would it be to just use a normal needle? Instead, they use this really long needle, i swear at least 2 inches long, all the better to reach the back of your mouth. Of course, once might not be enough, so lets do it 3 times, just in case...
And since i was laying there, i can see all the needles and sharp objects flying over my face, before they are sunk into my mouth. When i had the time, i looked at all the objects laying on the dentist worktable. i tell you , that was the first time i ever saw so many sharp objects all in 1 place!
And to make things challenging, I will have to go back at least 3 more times, over the next 3 weeks, to finish up the whole treatment, each taking about 1 hour.

I have had needles poking my eyes, my mouth and my arms. All these, and to think that i would have pierced my ears, if not for the fact that i was afriad of the pain thats comes with the piercing..... sigh...

I have been wanting to post this since the weekend, so bear with me, ok?

I saw this really interesting MTV. It was funny and yet so heart-warming.
Its a mandarin song sang by a male and female.

The setting is in a small cafe and the singers are the owners cum barristers of the cafe.
One fine day, a couple came in to the cafe so the male barman when over to take their order. He was standing there asking them when the guy suddenly took up his glass and splash the water on the girl's face and walked off. The male barman was stunned and the girl was almost in tears. Then the girl splash her glasss of water at the male barman and walked off too.
The next day, the same girl came in to the cafe. The male barman was a little afraid to go take her order but the female made him do it. So he went up to her and asked. She looked at him and suddenly hugged him and cry. So the barman was a little embarassed and yet wanted to help so he told her that he would do anything to help. She looked up and told him that he must promised to say 'I love you' to her everyday! The barman was taken aback but he had promised, so no choice. Unknowingly, the female barwoman was also taken aback, maybe because there was a hint that she like the barman.
So from that day on, whenever the girl came in, she looked to the barman and waited for him to say those three words, 'I Love You'. When he did not, she will splash water on him. The barwoman was angry whenever the barman said those words. Note that the barman said them hesitantly and softly each time. He liked the barwoman too, but he had made a promise to the girl.
One fine day, the girl came in again. The barman went over to her and was suttering those words again, when she stopped him. She told him that everything was fine now and then she left.
Now, the barman need not say i love you to someone he did not love anymore. He moved over to the barwoman and expressed his feelings and told her how he loved her. surprisingly, she threw water at her and told him," Do you have to tell a person that you love her? Actions speak louder than words!"
Next scene and you see the barman all dressed up and the whole cafe was filled with roses. The barwoman enters, all dressed up too and they sat down. They looked into each other's eyes lovingly when suddenly, the barwoman splashed water on the barman and asked,"Why did you not tell me that you love me!?"
The barman took up the other cup of water and splash it on her to and said,"Do you have to tell a person that you love her?"
Then the barwoman realised and placed her head on his shoulders, lovingly.
The barman then whispered,"I Love You" ....

Ok, my description does not do the whole MTV justice but it really is a funny and yet heart-warming mtv. i loved it...

i love my music.
i need my music.

i must say that when it comes to music, i definitely have 'been there done that'.
i went through the pop age back in the 80s. then i was into rock and heavy metal in the late 80s. i still enjoy the occasional rock song here and there. 90s, ok i admit, i did like some songs from the backside boys. but there were a lot of other cool singers around. come this couple of years, i am into chill house and some cool groove that one can relax to.

just like music, we go through lots. sometimes, we can hang on firmly to our principles and will never give in. but are we really betraying ourselves just because we are willingin to try out something new, something different? i thought so many years ago. not now. who is to say that just because i used to listen to heavy metal, i was selling out when i started to croon to the songs of the backside boys? on the contrary, i think that i am better off, because right now, i can adapt to both types of music. does not make a difference to me if a clubs only played boy band stuff or metal music, because in either case, i am able to enjoy myself.
it just opened me up to more avenues.

so from the papas and the mamas to rod steward, to bruce springsteen, to guns n roses, to backside boys to nirvana, to chicane to sasha and dickweed...
to me, they are all names of music makers...
i guess when we open ourselves, we are open to possiblities... someday, i might even like country (i pray that day never to come!)....

I did not have a choice of where I was to be born.
I did not have a choice of what race I was to be born as.
I definitely did not have much of a choice of how I was to be brought up.
I could not choose my parents, not that I am complaining.
I have no choice, well not much at least, that I have to study till for 16 years and then toil in the fields for the next 30 plus years.
I had no choice that the carpet was pulled from under my feet when I was half way down the road towards getting married.
I cannot control how others perceived me and what they think I should or should not do.

But at the end of the day, I do have choices.
I can choose to wake at this time everyday.
I can choose what I want to do and eat.
I can choose to go anywhere I want to during my weekends.
I choose what I want to say.
I can choose how I want to feel.
I can choose what I want you to see of me.
At the end of the day, I choose to be happy, I choose to be sad. I choose to be like so, simply because I chose it.
have you made your choice today?

Ok... i admit. I almost did want to cry when i saw the news on Jiawei and Susilo going to get married. She should be mine.... heh heh. She is really cute...

'some guys have all the luck,
some guys have all the pain.
some guys get all the breaks.
some guys do nothing but complain....'
- Some guys have all the luck by Rod Steward

But seriously, i was looking forward to this. i think they make a good-looking couple and a good couple at that. after all, they never did let their nationality and language barrier get in their way.
way to go...

thats the way things should be. nothing should stand in the way. sure, there will be some ups and downs, but at the end of the day, they still have each other...

i read the reports. Susilo asked Jiawei to marry him. She agreed. Then he asked her what she wanted and she reply,"Nothing. Just you."
Damn... where is the tissue?